You know when you book in a weekend getaway with your family and you’re really excited when you get there but then things start going wrong and your holiday suddenly turns into that movie ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation‘?
Well, has Lindalin got a story for you!
Full of misadventure and bad views, this week on the podcast Lindalin recounts her recent mini-break, causing me to make the decision to never holiday with her family.
Mini Break, Here We Come!
Weekend getaways are awesome and Lindalin and her husband Cameron don’t get many breaks.
So when Lindalin proclaimed that her three night getaway to Noosa had gone hilariously wrong, of course we had to do an episode about it. And because she’s not much for blogging and I’m all about voicing my opinion about everything EVER, you get to read my take on their misadventures.
“Look at that beautiful pool, kids!”
On arrival, the concierge gets all their bags out, Cameron is checking in, Lindalin is showing her minions the pool they will most definitely be visiting daily…
As she pictures herself taking in the sun, cocktail in hand, husband on duty, she starts to overhear Cameron’s conversation that didn’t sound to be going in the right direction…
Cameron – Strike 1.
“But, What About My View?”
As the poor concierge works for that money by repacking the Kirkwood’s back in their car, they drive two doors down to the Sebel that is lovely, but not quite the Sofitel.
And it’s totally fine. It’s ok. No one is upset, least of all fancy Linny.
They are finally introduced to their room with a view only to find that the view is marred by walls and louvers.
So, try as she might to make the best out of the situation, this is where Lindalin draws the line. She puts on her best smile before phoning reception for a better room – ’cause smiling whilst on the phone really does make a difference – and they are upgraded to a view with less obstruction.
“I See the Shovel, But What Do You Want Me To Do With It?”
Now, it’s time for the Kirkwood’s to have some beach fun!
And fun for them means driving an hour and a half to get to a spot on the beach where they can drive their 4WD around.
Not sure why Aussies like driving on beaches, especially considering all that sand, but hell, this isn’t my holiday!
Anyway, here they are driving around, having a blast (I guess) staring at the waves as they speed past, but the day is getting on and reluctantly, they decide that they are done beaching it.
So as Cameron does a u-turn to head back, we can all guess what happened, right? Like, I’ve never been beach driving in my life and even I could guess what happened.
They got Beach-Bogged! Of course they did!
Off he went to find help and thankfully this is Australia and help is never far because a lovely, sizable gentleman came to the rescue – by handing Lindalin a shovel and proclaiming “Guess what mum is going to do now?”
Cameron – Strike 2.
“What. Was. That?”
Because they haven’t quite had enough adventures for the day, the Kirkwood’s are convinced that the scenic route back to the hotel is a good decision.
The in-land track, full of gravel and death stones (sharp pebbles) looked appealing enough so off they went, full of misguided confidence.
Getting bogged just wasn’t enough for these guys. Because shortly into their in-land drive, they hear a “Pssshhhhhh”, look to each other and say “Surely not!”
But surely, it was so.
Their tyre had a gouge of epic proportions, so now here they are changing a tyre, in the sun, after digging beach holes.
Are you starting to see why I will never holiday with these people?
“That gives us an hour to get ready…”
Back on the road, totally relaxed after digging and tyre changing, the Kirkwood’s head back to their room with a view to get ready for a lovely sunset river cruise that Cameron booked weeks in advance.
Arriving to their hotel at 4:20, they had plenty of time to walk two doors down, back to the Sofitel they longed for, where their 5:30 cruise was leaving from.
As Lindalin hops in the shower at 5:05 (don’t worry, mums know how to get ready in less than 10 minutes when necessary) she overhears Cameron’s phone ring and endures eavesdropping on yet another awkward conversation…
Because he is being informed that their cruise is scheduled to leave the dock at 5pm. Not 5:30.
Super late, the Kirkwood’s are suddenly that family running down the street to the cruise, as the other people who made it on time watch the sun going down from a stationary boat.
Cameron – Strike 3 and you are OUT!
So, Would You Holiday With the Kirkwood’s?
If you’d like a real holiday, feel free to come with my family, as the most exertion you will feel would result from fishing and TV watching. We think holidays are for Netflix and Chilling in a fancy place.
On that note, wishing you all the good spring vibes and none of the inland driving that Lindalin so highly recommends.
And tell us your horrible holiday stories!
Peace and love,
Episode #63 of Wine Chats with Bildo & Lindalin was proudly sponsored by Sense of Taste. And now, for Lindalin’s review.