I have two wonderful children, 22 months apart, and I adore my daughters.
I enjoy their every breath. Since becoming a mother, I have learnt more about life than I knew was possible.
But there comes a time in every woman’s life where she thinks “Is this my last time?”
“Will I ever be pregnant and smell this baby smell again?”
But first, here’s a little bit about my journey into motherhood.
Motherhood becomes me
I always think about the time I was pregnant with my first daughter and all the fears I had:
- What will happen to my body?
- How will I ever get fit again?
- When will I see my friends?
- How many more months until I can have beer?
Silly things that evaporated as soon as I held my daughter in my arms. I didn’t care about myself anymore, suddenly my life revolved around this tiny, little being and I was hooked on her every move.
I didn’t have a difficult pregnancy by any means, it was as textbook as it came. Naturally, being my first time through the journey of the expanding body, every cramp was interesting, anything new was exciting.
And then she was here. My munchkin, my reason for living and the reason for the additional skin surrounding me.
I breastfed my daughter until she was 7 months old, so I had a whole 6 months of having my body back, until…
13 months after I had my first daughter, I was ready for round two and I fell pregnant again.
But this time, although I was full of joy at the impending arrival, I also had the distinct feeling of “oh no, not again!”
Suddenly, the thought of being pregnant for the next year or so, and going back to breastfeeding and sleepless nights – it all came crashing down on me and there was nothing left to do but to wait with anticipation.
But unlike when my first daughter was born, all those silly worries that plagued me were now a reality and I knew exactly what awaited me on the other side.
There are three types of mothers
I have many girlfriends who are mothers and each one I speak with about their motherhood journey feels differently. But generally, we all fall into one of the following categories:
- The “OMG I LOVE motherhood and pregnancy and breastfeeding, I was born for it, I can’t wait to do it” woman;
- The “Don’t touch me, there’s an alien inside me, I want it out” woman; and
- The “Meh” A.K.A. The “Indifferent” woman.
With my first pregnancy, I was in the firmly “OMG I LOVE THIS” category.
I couldn’t wait to do it again! When we were in the hospital the day my first daughter was born, the Husband asked me if I would do that again, and without even the tiniest of hesitations, I instantly said yes, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
My second pregnancy however, fell between the cracks of the “Don’t touch me” woman and the “Meh” one.
The feelings weren’t the same
I found myself feeling frustrated the second time around; frustrated with the idea that I would put my body through the expansion, the milking, the tiredness again.
Every cramp I got, all the back pain I had, none of it was new and exciting. The morning sickness wasn’t cute anymore.
And half way through, I made a decision – I’m never doing this again.
I said this to the Husband one day and he got his phone out to record me because he didn’t believe me.
And I don’t know if I truly believed it myself at the time.
The second baby, the unicorn!
My sweet darling baby number 2 is a unicorn baby, you know, one of those kids you hear about but never actually get to see?
She came out knowing what was day and night, she ate well, didn’t like to be rocked to sleep, all I do is simply put her down and walk away and she would drift off peacefully and happily.
And yet, the feeling of “I’m never doing this again” didn’t go away.
I found myself impatient with the newborn stage. I didn’t want to wish my time away with my newest addition, but I was in pain and I was tired. I now had a toddler and baby to contend with and my little brain felt overloaded.
My family is complete
So we made the decision to never do it again. We did not want to be outnumbered.
Just to make sure there won’t be any oopsies, the husband has been to the vet. We are not taking any chances!
There’s an overarching feeling to all of this, and it’s this – my family is complete.
There was a time I thought that I would like to have three children, but now that I have my two girls, I feel a wholeness to my being. I don’t feel the need to add anymore personality into this household. And frankly, between me and the other two women I have created, there simply wouldn’t be space.
You should never say never, but here I am.
Are you contending with having another child? I’d love to hear from you, so hit me up in the comments!
Thanks for reading, and remember – don’t be a dick! Choose goodness.
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