Relationships are hard and sometimes, just sometimes, leaving is better than staying.
Things get complicated. The history of the couple grows, fights can turn into year long arguments.
Sex can die a slow death.
Intimacy follows closely after.
I’ve been there.
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The Tale of the Heartbroken Broken Au Pair
There was this one time when I left my entire life behind and moved to Italy to be an au pair.
You see, because I left at the peak of his love for me, I broke something inside of him.
It’s not that I wasn’t in love with him, but I had so much going on around me, that I felt if I didn’t leave, I would burst. You know, the age old “it’s not you, it’s me” scenario.
I wouldn’t commit to coming back, I wouldn’t let him wait for me.
I broke something inside of him.
So when I did return, ready to reclaim what was mine, what was mine was very angry.
And was in actual fact no longer mine at all. It was someone else’s.
But we got back together. And after a bunch of angry sex and sleepless nights, I decided that we had resolved everything and worked up the courage to tell him that I still loved him.
All he said in response was “I missed you.”
And then I pushed him further and further away
Do you want to know how long it took him to say “I love you” back?
Do you want to know how long I kept pushing him to love me again? How many times I would get angry with him for not loving me?
And nothing we tried seemed to work.
For two long years, we fought this good fight. I relied on him for my happiness. We would spend every spare moment together and if he wanted to go out or go fishing, I would make a fuss. He always invited me, but if I didn’t want to go, neither could he. What I expected of him wasn’t reasonable.
Sex dropped off the map, we couldn’t be intimate anymore. I wanted him to hold me, he wanted me to touch him. It was all just off. None of it was right.
And nothing we tried seemed to work.
Until the night we finally fixed it.
By breaking up for good.
We can’t be together anymore
One night we had a typical fight at my house. I got in my car and took off to give us both some space. I was turning to that solution more and more.
When I came back, he was all packed up, waiting for me.
He was leaving.
I remember feeling broken but relieved. Relieved that one of us had finally made the decision that needed to be made. We weren’t happy. It wasn’t working.
The next day, I picked up all of my stuff from his house and then we didn’t speak again. Not a word. Not a peep.
Gosh, how sad is single life after you leave a long term relationship?
You miss everything about having another person to share your life with. You now have to cook for one, find new friends who are also single, who will drink with you and party with you. Who will make you a vodka and let you cry in their kitchen without kicking you out.
I went on a few dates. I partied a lot. I drank a bunch.
Although there was this missing part of me that hurt at all times, there was also a sense that this was the right thing to be doing. In my bones, I knew he was my person but I also knew that a radio-silence kind of break was exactly what we needed if we had any hope of salvaging our relationship.
If we couldn’t resolve things, then I didn’t want us to stay together until we hated each other.
But it was going on dates with other guys made me realise just how deeply I loved him. It made me change everything. I knew then that if it was a choice between having him and losing him – then I choose him. I chose him and to make that happen, I needed to be happy with myself. I needed my own friends, my own life.
The Happiest of Birthdays
On his birthday, I couldn’t resist but send him a message.
It had been three months since we stopped speaking and I thought I owed him a text after years of celebrating his birthday with him.
He called me back and we spoke briefly, my heart bursting out of my chest at the sound of his sexy, buttery voice.
10 days later, for my birthday, he bought me a very sexy gift – a Onepiece.
We started seeing each other again. We weren’t back together, but there was regular contact and games of Words With Friends.
Eventually, we started sleeping together but he still didn’t want to be with me – I know he was scared of my crazy. Even I was scared of my crazy.
Five whole months later, he caved and we were Facebook official.
What did we learn?
Couples will wrong each other, they will hurt each other, they will break each others hearts.
And sometimes, you can work through it.
But sometimes you won’t be able to.
Sometimes, pushing and pulling is counterproductive. Maybe giving each other space is the healthiest thing you could do. Space is the thing that gives you time to think, allows you to be without that person and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Am I happier without them? Will I change for them? Will we choose each other?
As you all know, we had a happy ending; we chose each other. And we haven’t looked back (yet).
But what about you – have you ever been on a break? How did it all end?
Thank you for reading lovers and remember – don’t be a dick!